It's been a while since I've written one of these. It feels good and strange to come back to this. It's getting colder here (it even snowed at one point!) and the sun is setting earlier each day. I wither a little bit at this time of year. I'm not a big fan of summer either (I like to be at least a little chilly, you know?) but it's easy to thrive in the sun and remember that all is good in the world. It's a constant reminder of decay outside. It's necessary, that I know, but I look on it with a bit of caution.

It will take a while before my book page is up and running again (maybe I'll get it done this weekend?) so here is a speedrun of all that has happened: I finished Devils by Dostoyevsky and thoroughly enjoyed it. I started Beast by Richard Van Camp on November 14th and finished it on the 16th (I read this to help out the Teacher Librarian decide if this book would be a suitable read for her English class). I finished The Seaside Cafe Metropolis either on the 20th or 21st. Today I went into a bookstore and picked up Butter by Asako Yuzuki. More detailed reviews will come later of course... but November unexpectedly turned out to be a decent reading month.

Well, that is all! Tomorrow is another week where we are closer to winter break...

I'm writing this to provide a quick update on my life so far, since though not a lot has happened, the weight of it all makes up for it. I graduated from college in April this year as a library technician and had been looking for a job over the summer (speaking of which, can you believe August is already basically done with?). Well, after a long hiring process, I was employed part-time by my school district and am able to pick up jobs across several schools. I'm currently working at one right now, and though it won't be for a long time, it's been exciting and everybody has been incredibly kind. I feel inadequate for being confused a lot of the time, mainly because there are so many people that I speak with that have different positions - I'm not entirely sure about the 'hierarchy', for a lack of a better term. I'm really grateful that I was able to be hired so quickly after graduation, I really thought I'd be waiting for years to be finally employed. On the site and future plans, I'm going to change the 'books' page at some point and turn it into a landing page for some resources (books, links, etc.) I just have to figure out how I want to do all of that. I have a plan, but it's a little flimsy at the moment. Anyway, that's all!

It is 7:20 AM as I begin to write this but a lot has been weighing on me overnight. Of course, when it comes time to write them down, I am speechless. I suppose the main issue is this: I have attachment issues that I fear I will never resolve; I have a partner I love very much but sometimes it is painful. It's hard to confront these things with another person I think. Listen, reader, I don't intend to be unhappy all the time, and none of this should be read as such. I examine my life through a microscope and I change the little things that I don't like about it in the same calculated manner as a scientist. So it is no surprise that now, when dealing with emotions, I'm at a loss for what it is I'm to do. I cannot help but oscillate between great affection (obsession!) to apathy, sometimes even flashes of downright hatred. I suffer in two extremes. And though I never subject anybody to these deranged emotions, does such a man deserve to, nevertheless, put up with me? It is vile to say yes. Though I have notably gotten better at communicating on more serious topics with people, I simply don't know how to approach this. I have always suppressed it and thought that I've conquered the root problem. But, no, I believe the root issue is far worse than what I imagine it being. All the more that I am terrified. But now there is nothing more to be said here, the sun is coming out behind the rain clouds.

I'm tired. That is all this is. But still I cannot help to think that things are already ending and I've got to let it, even though it's painful and I don't want to, I have to let things end so that something else may begin again. There is still so much hope in August and yet I feel none of it. I've realized something about myself only recently, though this is something that happens frequently - that I procrastinate on ending things. These days it's usually books. I don't finish them because I'm afraid. I don't like change, you know? Finishing a book feels like mourning a loss rather than a sense of accomplishment. I'm the same with relationships, too, of any kind. I don't ever end things, I always let the other person do it or it will fade out on its own. It's not a good habit, I'm aware. I just cannot stand the ending of something... even if it's bad. I could go through the worst torment in the world! and I would not want it to end simply because of the notion of ending. Maybe I settle too quickly in the things that I am used to, such as misery.

I'll tell you another dream I had, the night before yesterday. I dreamt that I died and lived in the afterlife. I saw my own death too, though I'm not quite clear about how it was that I passed. In any case, I saw my body lying there on the pavement and suddenly everything was different. I dreamt that the afterlife was just a mirror of the living world with other dead people roaming around. I went home with a desire to move, so I found an apartment listing and packed to meet the landlady. I took a train where meals were already set on the table, or you could order a different meal if you'd like, but you still had to pay in the afterlife. I talked to some people on the train, about what I can't remember. The view was wonderful, like from Spirited Away. When I got off I went to see the landlady. The apartment was small, very cramped. A couple entered behind me and we had to do an interview to get the place (quite literally everything is a mirror!) and I ended up not getting it after all. I stood outside for a while, lost of what to do, and then I woke up. I retold this dream to my mom and she said (I'm Taiwanese, but am not well versed in certain customs such as the dead since I live in the West) that money is burned for the deceased so that they can afford things in the afterlife. Despite the grim theme, I had quite a good time in that dream.

So it is August already. I feel all the days, down to the hour, of time passing this month. I know that come mid-August I will be melancholic. When I notice that the sun is setting sooner each evening, I will doubtlessly be filled with dread. Like clockwork.

Last night I had a dream that I was at [redacted]. It was a different street, one that kind of sloped endlessly. I was worrying because I couldn't find a bus route that would take me home until several hours have passed. And I stood out there by the bus stop with other people, watching them file onto the bus and go off without me. Truthfully I've been thinking a lot about the future but there is nothing I can say that doesn't end with, "well, we'll see how it goes" because it is the future, after all, and what can one really do but wait? A lot of transitional periods of my life include, I have realized, just waiting around. It is a specific type of shame that I feel when I am completely motionless and others are still moving. Must I sit like that, like how I wait for the bus? I suppose even a part of me knows that it will be good for me not to rush into things.